The title says it all.
It's becoming increasingly difficult to trust my own thoughts and feelings anymore. I really assumed it was OCD, and maybe it is, but I don't really know. I basically can't trust anything my brain says about me. What I like about myself, what I hate about myself. Every single fucking day is engaging in a never ending fucking debate with an overbearing stream of consciousness. My daily brain battles started way back in July '25, and what's insane for me to think about writing this now is that there are only 5 more months until it's July again. Summers are like curses for me now, there's always some batshit crazy mind game I'm being forced to play around that time. I kept referring to July as the month that I "lost my identity." At first I believed it was quarter life crisis but now I'm inclined to believe it could be ego death. Even the most basic of beliefs I have, I have questioned and faltered in my belief of them.
It's so stupid. I don't feel like "myself", but at the same time I don't even know what or who "myself" is. It's like I have been faking every single thing I know about myself for years. Most of the doubt surrounds a certain personal aspect of my identity. I have become utterly obsessed with it. I have obsevered as many other people like me as possible, once becoming very close to another person similar to myself. We seemed similar superficially, but inside the contrast was night and fucking day. It is almost like everything I had told myself that I was had been wrong. I have scoured over the evidence in my mind over, and over, and over and over and over again. I have even said to myself, "So this is how it ends," because the overwhelming fucking evidence I found supported the claim that I was not who I really claimed to be, or what I claimed I was. But at the same time it still feels wrong to not be that thing. So very intentionally vague I know, isn't this fun. It would be fun and interesting to know what the fuck I'm even going on about. So much for "unfiltered thoughts" you douchebag.
I wonder constantly if maybe I just need to accept me for who I am—but (and you can fuck off with the AI accusations here, I love my em dashes) how can I do that. How can I keep repeating myself like this. I already said I don't know who I am. Maybe a loss of self is one of the consequences of chronic self-hatred and the squashing of my own self-esteem. Perhaps the solution, instead of simply "truly being myself" or "not truly being myself" is building a self that I do like, in whatever way that might be. But what if I don't like that version of me either? That would be one sour pickle. Accepting that uncertainty is a feat I've yet to learn how to beat.
I have to remember that I do not have to be a certain way to be accepted or deemed worthy enonugh. This all probably sounds like horseshit but I don't care. Perhaps in the future I will expand more upon this topic when I'm ready to dish out more details.
The title says it all.