If there is conflict between people I know I want to solve it as perfectly as possible. Both sides must be acknowledged and compromise must be made if needed. I hate to see people (but especially those I consider to be friends) in bad spirits with each other, genuinely.
I feel guilty if I'm unable to fix something relationship-wise or see no way to fix it anymore. For example, my ex-partner and a friend of mine had repetetive conflict due to their respective personalities and other factors of the environment. I assisted my ex-partner with constructing apology messages that would then be sent to my friend. A misunderstanding then occured where my friend was unable to respond to the last message my ex-partner had sent and I had frantically reached out to my friend to tell them that they had not actually been blocked by my ex as they had vague-posted on their story about it. But I never got a response. It left me feeling upset, both for my partner and selfishly for myself, because I couldn't see to it that things were resolved properly.
I don't know exactly how long it is that I've been this way, but when I see that something needs fixing I feel urged toward attempting to do the fixing myself. This usually manifests in relational matters. If somebody does something bad, I must interrogate them on why to find the reason. There is always a reason behind things happening and situations can be more complex than they might seem. I believe there is always a "truth" to be pursued.
Sometimes though my truth pursuit can lead me to be baptized in immense disappointment. Sometimes there are things that I would rather not have known at all. Uncomfortable truths. Truths that make me no longer able to trust somebody in the way I once had. Even though I believe there is always capacity for growth in those who are willing, sometimes doubt does anchor me—reasonable or unreasonable doubt it can really be either. The doubt is painful but ultimately necessary. I wish I was able to have unabashed belief in people and the greater good but I really just seem wishy-washy.
I guess this could tie in to my greater "lesson": Nothing lasts forever. I have always been attached to the idea of the eternal or even the immortal. I still wish that I could be immortal. It has never mattered to me that it would be incredibly lonely and that I would outlive literally everything and likely experience the death of our planet. Sure it is fucking terrifying, and existentialist, and just all-around probably extremely miserable. But...
Dying. I've seen so many people say how peaceful dying must be and harp on about just how good it would be to die and rest and never have to think about anything again. Sure I can understand that, but only temporarily have I ever had those thoughts. I find dying to be much more terrifying than living forever. You are left with only what you have seen in the end, and then it all goes away. Essentially, life meant nothing. I don't even think there is a true "meaning" to life, but there is something about immortality that entices me, that makes it (life) feel more meaningful.
It's hard to explain why when all of my evidence is imagery provided to me by my mind, but maybe that is where the answer can be drawn from. Being able to experience life from the moment I am born to the moment life itself dies, to see how it all goes down; it sounds so depressing but I ache for a life like that. I will outlive everybody and everything and the concept of that makes my breath hitch.
I keep thinking about how obvious it is that change must happen in our society. Casual bigotry is baked into daily interactions. "Common sense" is based on stereotypes about sex, gender, race, nationality, social status, class, whatever. It's human nature to want to categorize things and simplify things so they are easy to understand, but god do I loathe stereotypes. We have an almost carnal need to systemize everything and attribute our own biases to the categories we've created. I definitely do it. I'm judgemental as fuck. Some judgements are useful, because otherwise how would we be able to recognize danger without this ability? We would have no survival instinct whatsoever.
There is this problematic thought that keeps nagging at my brain recently. Even though we are capable of change, and many people advocate for it so hard it becomes their life's mission, is it really possible where we are today? Too many people would have to give up their biases too quickly and accept a new status quo. It would shatter their worlds, even if their worldviews are faulty or simply ignorant at best. If there was a magical way to make people understand everything that really matters, I would find it. But some people, even when presented with facts, will deny the truth over and over again to keep consistency with their own personal biases. Infuriatingly.
WHAT will truly get the bigots of the world to wake the fuck up? It can't happen overnight. Even for me I am still quietly unlearning my own bigotry. We can't expect everyone to be right or morally correct immediately and without a moment's rest. People must be given grace, but they must not have too much of it either. What do I know though. I am just one person with one way of thinking.
The title says it all.
It's becoming increasingly difficult to trust my own thoughts and feelings anymore. I really assumed it was OCD, and maybe it is, but I don't really know. I basically can't trust anything my brain says about me. What I like about myself, what I hate about myself. Every single fucking day is engaging in a never ending fucking debate with an overbearing stream of consciousness. My daily brain battles started way back in July '25, and what's insane for me to think about writing this now is that there are only 5 more months until it's July again. Summers are like curses for me now, there's always some batshit crazy mind game I'm being forced to play around that time. I kept referring to July as the month that I "lost my identity." At first I believed it was quarter life crisis but now I'm inclined to believe it could be ego death. Even the most basic of beliefs I have, I have questioned and faltered in my belief of them.
It's so stupid. I don't feel like "myself", but at the same time I don't even know what or who "myself" is. It's like I have been faking every single thing I know about myself for years. Most of the doubt surrounds a certain personal aspect of my identity. I have become utterly obsessed with it. I have obsevered as many other people like me as possible, once becoming very close to another person similar to myself. We seemed similar superficially, but inside the contrast was night and fucking day. It is almost like everything I had told myself that I was had been wrong. I have scoured over the evidence in my mind over, and over, and over and over and over again. I have even said to myself, "So this is how it ends," because the overwhelming fucking evidence I found supported the claim that I was not who I really claimed to be, or what I claimed I was. But at the same time it still feels wrong to not be that thing. So very intentionally vague I know, isn't this fun. It would be fun and interesting to know what the fuck I'm even going on about. So much for "unfiltered thoughts" you douchebag.
I wonder constantly if maybe I just need to accept me for who I am—but (and you can fuck off with the AI accusations here, I love my em dashes) how can I do that. How can I keep repeating myself like this. I already said I don't know who I am. Maybe a loss of self is one of the consequences of chronic self-hatred and the squashing of my own self-esteem. Perhaps the solution, instead of simply "truly being myself" or "not truly being myself" is building a self that I do like, in whatever way that might be. But what if I don't like that version of me either? That would be one sour pickle. Accepting that uncertainty is a feat I've yet to learn how to beat.
I have to remember that I do not have to be a certain way to be accepted or deemed worthy enonugh. This all probably sounds like horseshit but I don't care. Perhaps in the future I will expand more upon this topic when I'm ready to dish out more details.
The title says it all.